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Shitty $95 Haircut

I got a shitty $95 haircut last week. I always have such intense haircut anxiety, and I think a high price will ensure high quality, a fallacy you’d think I would have recognized after wasting countless amounts of legal tender on every bullshit organic conditioner at Whole Foods made from crushed boysenberry seeds and local elephant cum.*

“I want to try and round out your head,” the stylist announced at the beginning, “you know, and help with your jawline.”

I smiled, nodded, and died a little.

“Have you ever thought about coloring your eyebrows?” she asked a little later.

“No,” I replied, “I haven’t.”

“I think it would really help,” she said, not specifying with what, but we both knew.

$95 for that, for 35 minutes of someone standing over me chewing gum and vaguely insulting me — an experience, for the record, that I can get on OK Cupid gratis. $95! That’s nine lunches, that’s three copies of Justice Sotomayor’s memoirs, that’s one Broadway show. I’m an idiot.

* All elephants are humanely-coaxed.

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Worst Fortunes Ever

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Afternoon Swoons

Afternoon Swoon: Sufjan Stevens

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Third Wheel

I just watched a porn clip in which one boy happens upon another in afternoon repose, curled up with his faithful dog, and wakes him up with an impassioned plea to help canvass for Obama  sexy advances.

What I loved most about this scene is how long the dog remains in it, desperately trying to remain contextual:

STORY OF MY LIFE.

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New York Moments

New York Moment

(ISAAC is on the subway heading to work. At 125th Street a YOUNG WOMAN gets on the train, listening to her headphones and moving her head to the music. She’s smiling. She’s basically the worst sight first thing in the morning, and she sits right next to ISAAC. After a moment the WOMAN across from them leans forward and speaks to the YOUNG WOMAN.)

WOMAN: You look like you’re in a good mood.
YOUNG WOMAN: What?
WOMAN: (gesturing to the young woman’s earbuds) You –
YOUNG WOMAN: (removing her earbuds) What?
WOMAN: You look like you’re in a great mood.
YOUNG WOMAN: I am. I’m so happy. I woke up in the best mood.
WOMAN: I thought it might be what you’re listening to.
YOUNG WOMAN: What?
WOMAN: What are you listening to?
YOUNG WOMAN: Oh — Paul Simon, “Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes.”
WOMAN: That’s a good song.
YOUNG WOMAN: (reading from her iPod) Paul Simon.
WOMAN: Yes.
YOUNG WOMAN: (offering an earbud across the way) Here — listen to it.
WOMAN: No, thanks, I know it.
YOUNG WOMAN: It’s old.
WOMAN: Yes.
YOUNG WOMAN: I like to have a little bourbon when I listen to it.
WOMAN: (leaning back) Ah, yes.
YOUNG WOMAN: But not today, it’s too early. Just a little puff-puff.

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