ELDERLY WOMAN: I have symphony tickets for Tuesday night, although I’m sure you’re working or something. I can give you a pair.
ISAAC: What time?
ELDERLY WOMAN: 7:00.
ISAAC: Oh, sh — shoot, I can’t –
ELDERLY WOMAN: You were going to say shit.
ISAAC: I was, I’m sorry. You caught me.
ELDERLY WOMAN: You can say it.
ISAAC: I can?
ELDERLY WOMAN: Sure. You’re a gentleman and you’re trying to be polite because I’m your elder. But I say shit all the time.
ISAAC: You do?
ELDERLY WOMAN: Are you kidding? I’m 78 and I’ve lived in New York all my life; you bet I say shit. I don’t give a fuck. I say whatever I please.
ISAAC: Oh my god! I love this.
ELDERLY WOMAN: You fucking love this.
ISAAC: I fucking love this.
ELDERLY WOMAN: That’s better.
ISAAC: Let’s talk like this more often.
ELDERLY WOMAN: OK.

My parents, brother, and I were driving around with my grandmother in Ohio over the holiday. Hers being a town of staggering smallness, she knew the inhabitants of every house we passed. Invariably something horrible had happened to all of them. In that house on the right lived a couple who threw a barbecue one summer – their sons got too close to the fire, and the fire “got the boys.” Just down that road a ways was a young woman from Mexico who gave up everything she knew to live on her new husband’s farm – his tractor flipped over on him in a ditch. Next cornfield over belonged to a newly-retired couple who were trying to be more active in their third act – on one of the morning walks they were really starting to love, they were mowed down by three bicyclists from out of town who didn’t slow on their turns and didn’t see them, you know, over the corn.

We began to dread every new story. It was a census of fatal mishaps. Her eyes would catch sight of a house in the lessening distance, and she’d say, “Oh, you know who lives in that house? Ralph Lerner, from church,” and after a while we’d all shout, “No! Stop! Don’t tell us anything else about Ralph Lerner; we don’t want to get attached or start to care about him!”

Later in the trip, my grandmother said to me, “I never wanted to marry your grandfather, you know.” I was standing in her doorway, and we’d been talking about New York. She continued, “I wanted to move to the city and become a journalist. But Grandpa’s love was like God’s love. It took hold of me and my life.” Another night we were dropping her off at her retirement home, and as she got out of the car she said, “Sometimes I shake my fist up at heaven and I say, ’Darn you, Hal; you left me here!’” She hugged my mother and said to her, “I’m ready to go. I’m just ready to go, you know?” and we walked her to her door. I didn’t know what to say. I cannot imagine being ready to go. But there’s time for that, I suppose. It’s a life’s work.

omg you’re so gross dude

Just an out-of-the-blue, friendly memo that my face is gross. Amazing, and altruistic. I deleted Grindr, figuring I could do without that kind of energy in my life, at least for a few days. Apparently I deleted it just in time.

Photos: Alexis Buatti-Ramos

But! I do have entries coming — I’m writing them now. I appreciate those of you that nudged me. Stay tuned.

I’m off to the Middle of Nowhere, Ohio with my parents and brother to visit family, write my show, and count Bachmann bumper stickers. Maybe I’ll see a shirtless farmhand, and maybe he won’t beat me with a tire iron for taking a Hipstamatic picture of him with my phone. Safe and happy holidays to you all. Back in a week.

The MTA should have them on payroll — god knows they’ve got everyone else on. Also, swoon for the Alexander Skarsgård doppelgänger on saxophone.

PLEASANT GIRL: Hi, we’d like to get two tickets for tonight.
ISAAC: Great. The tickets are $35 each.
PLEASANT GIRL: And we have the 2-for-1 code.
ISAAC: OK, with that, the tickets are $17.50 each.
TEENY GAGA: Um, no, we have the 2-for-1 code.
ISAAC: Right, which makes the tickets $17.50 each.
TEENY GAGA: It’s 2-for-1.
ISAAC: Yes, two tickets for the price of one. One ticket is $35 and when you divide that by two, you get $17.50 each.
TEENY GAGA: Are you sure that’s the price?

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Yes, I am sure.
TEENY GAGA: (to her friend) I mean, what?
PLEASANT GIRL: I’m sorry, we’re seeing our friend in this show, and she told us –
TEENY GAGA: She told us the tickets were $7.
ISAAC: Your friend said that.
TEENY GAGA: Yeah, she said they were $7.
ISAAC: I’m sorry, it sounds like there was a miscommunication. The code is for a half-price ticket, and half of $35 is $17.50.
TEENY GAGA: We’re students.
ISAAC: OK, there is a student ticket, but that ticket is also $17.50. So, either way, the tickets will be $17.50 each. OK?
TEENY GAGA: (mumbling to her friend) Watch there be a $7 ticket.
ISAAC: There’s not. If there was, I would know about it.

(Teeny Gaga groans and tosses her credit card into the box office window slot. Her friend fishes through her wallet for cash.)

ISAAC: (picking up her card) Are you paying for both tickets on this card or just one?

(Teeny Gaga, looking mopey and emo, does not respond.)

ISAAC: Excuse me. Both tickets on the card?

(Teeny Gaga looks at the ceiling, probably wishing she was reading poetry into her webcam right now.)

ISAAC: (tapping on the glass) Excuse me, miss.
TEENY GAGA: (looking at him) What?
ISAAC: Are you paying for both tickets or just yours with this card?
TEENY GAGA: Just mine. Why would I pay for hers?
PLEASANT GIRL: (still fishing through her wallet, pulling out singles) Well, I can give you this cash if you want and you can put them both on your card.
TEENY GAGA: No, just mine on the card. (to her friend) I could’ve sworn she said $7.
PLEASANT GIRL: (handing ISAAC eighteen singles) I’m sorry, I only have singles.
ISAAC: It’s not a problem at all. Thank you.

(Another girl approaches Jennifer’s window.)

GIRL: Hi, could I get a student ticket for tonight?
JENNIFER: Sure.

(Isaac hands Teeny Gaga back her credit card along with a receipt.)

ISAAC: OK, I just need your signature there on the line –
TEENY GAGA: I’m sorry, but you just told that girl that she could get in as a student, and you told us that we couldn’t.
ISAAC: I did not tell you that you couldn’t. I told you that the student price was the exact same price as the ticket you’re already purchasing. They are both $17.50.
TEENY GAGA: Okay.
ISAAC: (handing them their tickets) Here you are, two for tonight. Enjoy the show.
PLEASANT GIRL: Thanks a lot.
TEENY GAGA: (to the girl at Jennifer’s window) Was yours $17.50?