There was a piano in my studio at MacDowell, and one of the previous residents had left an Easy Classical book behind, and after a month this was about as good as I could get:

A quick hello from the MacDowell Colony, where I’ll be holed up for the next month taking stupid Instagram photos of icicles and writing. No Facebook, no Twitter, no Pornography — so thank god I committed all of those clips to visual memory. The scenery is incredible, the food amazing, the people very kind. I’m doing lots of napping and putting papers into piles and running through the dark woods back to my studio in sheer terror every night after dinner. There’s also a grand piano in my studio, so I’ve been trying to play Puccini from a book someone left behind and it’s not going well. I’ll see you in a month — and if any water-cooler moments are happening in gay porn right now, please email me a link for later.

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Seventy-five dollars.
MAN: Yeah. Why so cheap?

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Oh, are you serious?
MAN: Yes.
ISAAC: Oh, well, it’s off-Broadway, so –
MAN: Yes?
ISAAC: – it’s a little less than Broadway –
MAN: I’m just surprised; that’s a bargain.
ISAAC: You think?
MAN: Don’t you?
ISAAC: Well, no, but clearly we need to hang out.

I WANNA SHARE FOREVER (IN THAT LEATHER BOMBER) WITH YOU BABY

[via Buzzfeed]

“I want to try and round out your head,” the stylist announced at the beginning, “you know, and help with your jawline.”

I smiled, nodded, and died a little.

“Have you ever thought about coloring your eyebrows?” she asked a little later.

“No,” I replied, “I haven’t.”

“I think it would really help,” she said, not specifying with what, but we both knew.

$95 for that, for 35 minutes of someone standing over me chewing gum and vaguely insulting me — an experience, for the record, that I can get on OK Cupid gratis. $95! That’s nine lunches, that’s three copies of Justice Sotomayor’s memoirs, that’s one Broadway show. I’m an idiot.

* All elephants are humanely-coaxed.