Category Archives: Love Stories

ISAAC: What is this.
STARBUCKS: What, baby?
ISAAC: This.

STARBUCKS: Oh now, baby, you know what that is.
ISAAC: The trenta size.
STARBUCKS: 31 ounces of sweet cold coffee.
ISAAC: Look closer. That’s a full bottle of red wine in there, with room to spare.
STARBUCKS: Gotta let it breathe a bit.
ISAAC: I’m touched. I’ve been needing a day-to-night cup.
STARBUCKS: You’re welcome.
ISAAC: I know we haven’t spoken in quite some time.
STARBUCKS: (raising a finger to ISAAC’S lips) You’re welcome. Your bed still empty?
ISAAC: A 500-thread count tundra.
STARBUCKS: I’m sorry, baby. A trenta of shiraz for your troubles?
ISAAC: Yeah, I can’t sleep because of the venti iced coffee earlier.

STARBUCKS: Oh.
ISAAC: Hello.

(Beat.)

STARBUCKS: How can I help you?
ISAAC: I’d like some coffee.
STARBUCKS: Would you.
ISAAC: Yes, please.

(Beat.)

STARBUCKS: Would you.
ISAAC: Yes.
STARBUCKS: You would, would –
ISAAC: Yes, please stop that.  What’s wrong with you?
STARBUCKS: Haven’t seen you in quite some time.
ISAAC: I know, I’m sorry.
STARBUCKS: You been home-brewin’.
ISAAC: Yes.  I’ve saved quite a bit of money doing so, actually.
STARBUCKS: Nice.
ISAAC: I mean, not like in a 401(k) or anything, but now if I’m at the store and there’s a new cheese, you know, I can get it.

(Beat.)

STARBUCKS: What can I get you?
ISAAC: A venti iced coffee with three pumps of classic.  The usual.
STARBUCKS: Is it?  I forgot.  Coming right up.
ISAAC: You look well.
STARBUCKS: I been lifting.
ISAAC: I can tell.

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Aren’t you going to ask about my love life?
STARBUCKS: How’s your love life.
ISAAC: You’ll enjoy making fun of me for this one — I blogged about how I’ve met a guy I really like and how at this point in the courtship I always screw things up, and it looks like I might’ve screwed things up by blogging about it. I haven’t seen him since.  That was over three weeks ago.  Should I not be writing about people I’m going out with?  He says he’s really busy with school, so I’m trying to give –
STARBUCKS: One venti iced coffee with three pumps of classic.  If the drink is not made to your liking, please tell us and we will remake it.
ISAAC: What?
STARBUCKS: That’ll be $3.21.
ISAAC: What’s wrong?  Why aren’t you making eye contact with me?

(ANOTHER GAY GUY comes running in.)

STARBUCKS: Shit.
ANOTHER GAY GUY: Starbucks!  Starbucks!
STARBUCKS: Uh, hey baby. 
ANOTHER GAY GUY: I need a venti three-pump iced coffee!  Please!  Please!  I’ve been trying to be good and brew at home, but you’re right, I can’t live without you.  I’ve been farting all morning, I just read something somewhere about how we’re not supposed to have too much Vitamin C so I just threw out all my oranges, and I just spilled yogurt on my shirt and I have a date tonight.  Now he’ll never see me as a potential husband!  Oh my god, oh my god.  This is the worst day ever!  (Stops) Who is this?
STARBUCKS: This is –
ISAAC: An old friend.  Just saying hello.
ANOTHER GAY GUY: (grabbing the venti iced coffee) Is this for me?
STARBUCKS: No, baby, it’s –
ISAAC: Yes.  It’s for you. (reaches into his bag) Want to use my Tide to Go pen on that yogurt stain?
ANOTHER GAY GUY: Ohmygodthanksbyeeeeee.

(He runs off to the bathroom.)

ISAAC: God, was I ever that young?
STARBUCKS: You’re still that young, baby.
ISAAC: Fair enough.
STARBUCKS: It’s just that you hadn’t been in in so long.  I made room in my heart for someone else.
ISAAC: I understand.  There are others who need you right now.
STARBUCKS: We’ll always have the Manhunt days.
ISAAC: Oh god.
STARBUCKS: Those were fun for me, too, you know. You runnin’ across the street with cum in your hair, wondering why you didn’t have a boyfriend.
ISAAC: (gesturing to the bathroom) Does he ever have cum in his — ?
STARBUCKS: On his shirt. Lot of things get on his shirt.
ISAAC: All right. Good.
STARBUCKS: You can always come to me when you need coffee.

(ISAAC brushes STARBUCKS’ hair off of his forehead.)

ISAAC: Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.
STARBUCKS: See ya, kid.

STARBUCKS: Why the long face?
ISAAC: When I was waiting for the subway this morning I looked down on the tracks and saw a rat.  Its leg was broken and it was struggling to crawl around.  It was really sad.
STARBUCKS: Coffee?
ISAAC: Yes, please.
STARBUCKS: I know what my girl needs.
ISAAC: Your girl needs that cute new barista you’ve got working the bar.  Is a male barista a baristo?
STARBUCKS: Fuck if I know.
ISAAC: I love his forearms, how they flex when they hand me my iced coffee.  How he doesn’t even try to pronounce my name correctly when he calls it out with my drink.  God, nothing turns me on more than a man with little to no regard for me.  What’s his name?  Is it Caleb?  Is he from New Hampshire and really entitled?
STARBUCKS: He on some thin ice — he lets the drinks get all backed up.
ISAAC: Oh, cut Caleb some slack.  Maybe this is his first real job.  Maybe his only other work experience was at his uncle’s welding business in New Hampshire.
STARBUCKS: In New Hampshire?
ISAAC: I freely admit that I do not know the name of a city in New Hampshire.
STARBUCKS: So what is this Facebook invitation I got for some show you’re doing?
ISAAC: I’m glad you asked.  Some friends and I are doing an evening of scenes and stories from my blog.
STARBUCKS: Really?  When?
ISAAC: This weekend.  Friday the 26th at 9 PM and Saturday the 27th at 6 PM and 9 PM.  We had to add the 6 PM performance because the 9 PM shows sold out!
STARBUCKS: How much are tickets?
ISAAC: $10.
STARBUCKS: Only $10?
ISAAC: Only $10.  You can reserve them by e-mailing hewholaughstickets@gmail.com.
STARBUCKS: Everyone who hasn’t already should definitely reserv — WHAT THE FUCK.  WHAT ARE YOU MAKING ME SAY.
ISAAC: What?
STARBUCKS: (spitting at the ground) Fuckin’ FUCK.  What do you think I am, your little dancin’ advertisin’ monkey?
ISAAC: Aren’t you?
STARBUCKS: NO!  I won’t say that shit.  Fuckin’ sell-out, turnin’ this into a fuckin’ piece of promotion …
ISAAC: Oh, like you aren’t trying to sell coffee every time you pop up?
STARBUCKS: Am I in the show?
ISAAC: Well, as a matter of fact, yes you are.
STARBUCKS: Who’s playing me?
ISAAC: Micah.
STARBUCKS: You think she can play me right?
ISAAC: Micah is a man.
STARBUCKS: I know.  You think she can play me right?
ISAAC: Yes, he’s doing a great job.  Everyone is.  It’s going to be fun.

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Can you just say your last line, please?
STARBUCKS: I won’t.
ISAAC: After we’re done we can get back to our normal conversation.  You can make fun of my love life.
STARBUCKS: I don’t know, baby.
ISAAC: I’ll come back in the afternoon for another iced coffee.
STARBUCKS: (sighing) “That does sound like fun.  That sounds like something I wouldn’t want to miss.  I will run to my computer right now to reserve a ticket.”
ISAAC: That was horrible. It’s a good thing you aren’t playing yourself.
STARBUCKS: Fuck you, girl. Cheapenin’ me.
ISAAC: You were cheap to begin with.
STARBUCKS: You said I could make fun of your love life now.
ISAAC: Fine.  Have at it.
STARBUCKS: How’s that No-Manhunt thing going for you?
ISAAC: Last night I ate an entire block of cheese and watched eight episodes of “Lost.”  You hear that and you think I paced that block of cheese out over the eight episodes, don’t you?  I didn’t.  It was gone two episodes in.
STARBUCKS: Jesus.
ISAAC: I don’t know why they keep trying to push this Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle on us; it is not earned in the writing.  I also had some grapes, you know, for a balanced meal, and the grapes kept missing my mouth and falling on the floor.
STARBUCKS: You go off Manhunt and you lose all hand-to-mouth coordination!
ISAAC: Yep.
STARBUCKS: It’s like you that rat in the subway.
ISAAC: Oh god.  What will Caleb think?
STARBUCKS: Please.  After he came on your face you think he’d stick around for “Lost”?

STARBUCKS: Good mornin’.
ISAAC: Good morning.
STARBUCKS: (singing) When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore! 
ISAAC: Well, that’s festive.
STARBUCKS: It’s Valentine’s Day in New York Fuckin’ City, baby!  Who wants coffee?
ISAAC: I do.
STARBUCKS: You must be extra thirsty today.
ISAAC: I am, yes.
STARBUCKS: Need hydration to fuel those tears.
ISAAC: Or — or — I need hydration to fuel my fabulous, alone-but-not-lonely night on the town!

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Yeah!

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Fine.  To fuel those tears.
STARBUCKS: You ain’t been with a man in a long, long time, huh?
ISAAC: It’s fine.  I’m fine.  I’m busy at work, I’m catching up on “Lost,” I’m trying to get more B vitamins in me – I don’t really have time to date right now.  Plus I’ve quit Manhunt.  My mouth and legs are closed, for emotional renovations.
STARBUCKS: Better let the city know there’ll be extra traffic on the West Side Highway now that married businessmen got nowhere to go but straight home to their wife and kids.
ISAAC: Yes, tell Bloomberg.
STARBUCKS: Gonna have to add another lane on to that shit.
ISAAC: My new motto is: “I won’t blow a married man unless he’s married to me or Scarlett Johansson.”
STARBUCKS: So no valentine.
ISAAC: Well, that’s not entirely true.  I have friend valentines. 
STARBUCKS: Not a man valentine.
ISAAC: Well, fine: will you be my valentine?
STARBUCKS: Uh.  I can’t.
ISAAC: Oh, what.  You already have a valentine?

(Beat.)

ISAAC: You do?!
STARBUCKS: Yeah.
ISAAC: Who is it?  Who’s your valentine?
McDONALD’S: Yoo-hoo!
ISAAC: Oh my god. Oh, wow. Really?
STARBUCKS: It just sorta happened. What can I say.
McDONALD’S: I don’t put a lot of stock in Valentine’s Day, not my style. I was ready to just curl up with a mint julep and some needlepoint, but then my phone rang and it was this gentleman caller, calling!
ISAAC: You don’t say.
McDONALD’S: He gave me this balloon. Look. It says “Will U Bee Mine?” And there’s a bee.  And a honeycomb.  Now I can be like all the other girls on the subway!
ISAAC: I thought you two hated each other.
STARBUCKS: I just … I was …
ISAAC: What?
STARBUCKS: I DIDN’T WANT TO BE ALONE, OKAY?  I DIDN’T! 
ISAAC: Okay! I understand!
STARBUCKS: You don’t know what Valentine’s Day is like for me. Everybody comes to me in the morning, sure, but at night? They at dinner. I don’t got candles on my tables, a wine list, waiters named Erik. People in and they out, and when the sun goes down I’m full of shadows.
ISAAC: Well, Happy Valentine’s Day, to both of you.
McDONALD’S: Thanks, sugar!
STARBUCKS: Thanks.
ISAAC: I’ll just take my venti iced coffee and be on my way.
STARBUCKS: That’ll be $3.21.
ISAAC: Oh, come on. Really?

(ISAAC’S bedroom. ISAAC is in bed, thrashing and twitching in a fever dream. Early morning? Late night? It’s unclear. The door opens.)

STARBUCKS: Baby?

(Beat.)

STARBUCKS: (stepping closer to the bed) Baby?
ISAAC: (waking, rolling over) Whu.  Huh.  Starbucks?  Is that you?
STARBUCKS: (doubling back) AAAHHHH!!!
ISAAC: Oh my god, the noise.  Hurts.
STARBUCKS: (turning on a light) I’m sorry, baby, it’s just.  You look terrible.
ISAAC: What did you think I was going to look like?
STARBUCKS: You look like an elderly woman.  You look like my great-aunt Pearl.
ISAAC: Wonderful.  Thank you.
STARBUCKS: At her viewing.
ISAAC: Well, I have the fucking flu.
STARBUCKS: Swine flu?
ISAAC: Oh god.  I don’t know.
STARBUCKS: ‘Cause you’re a little piggy.
ISAAC: Oh, this is horrible.  For the last four days it’s like I’ve been hit by a truck.  I have no appetite.  Swallowing is a triumph.  My lips are shedding.  I can’t sleep — my mind races.  How can I be so sweaty and so shivery at the same time?
STARBUCKS: I don’t know, girl, you just gotta let it runs its course.
ISAAC: I’m burning through my DVD collection.  I watched “Sense & Sensibility.”  I watched “Fried Green Tomatoes.”  I watched “Ratatouille,” “Before Sunset,” “When Harry Met Sally.”  I watched “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.”
STARBUCKS: Oh, that’s a good one.
ISAAC: I hadn’t even the energy to muster an “mmm!” for Mr. Harrison Ford.  It all feels so hopeless, like life will never be the same again.  I study the color of my urine like tea leaves.
STARBUCKS: Oh, girl, that’s enough now.
ISAAC: Earlier today it was the color of copper.  Copper.
STARBUCKS: Jesus.
ISAAC: I can’t seem to drink enough.  And don’t you hate how when you’re sick, your balls droop low, you know, all out of commission?  It feels like they’re knocking against my knees.
STARBUCKS: I should get going.
ISAAC: No!  No.  You came here to visit.  I’m under-socialized and I want to whine about how sick I am.
STARBUCKS: What are you wearin’ under there?
ISAAC: Three pairs of socks, two pairs of pajama bottoms, two shirts and a hoodie.  I’m either sick or ready for a jewel heist.  “Sense & Sensibiliy” is — hold on.  (Coughs up a lung.) “Sense & Sensibility” is such a –
STARBUCKS: Hold up. Where you throwin’ that tissue?
ISAAC: I can’t reach the trash can.
STARBUCKS: You just droppin’ it on the floor?
ISAAC: I will get it in the morning. Don’t look at me like that. If I reach for the trash can, I will expose my sweaty arm to the night cold, thus causing the arm sweat to turn into a sheet of ice on my bare skin.
STARBUCKS: Just nasty.
ISAAC: SENSE & SENSIBILITY — is a great movie.  When Hugh Grant comes back for Emma Thompson at the end and tells her his heart is, and always will be, hers?  Kill me now.
STARBUCKS: Swine flu just might.
ISAAC: Let’s watch it.

ISAAC: (eyes full of tears, throat full of mucus) I just can’t think of anyone in the world I want to see happy more than Emma Thompson.  Can you?

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Wait.  Something’s weird here.
STARBUCKS: What?
ISAAC: What are you doing here?  You aren’t trying to sell me coffee.  You aren’t claiming that coffee will cure the flu.
STARBUCKS: Was I supposed to?
ISAAC: Oh my god.  You aren’t Starbucks.  You’re just another fucking fever dream, aren’t you.
STARBUCKS: (sitting on the edge of the bed) Sorry, baby.
ISAAC: Fine, do with my mind what you will. But I’m putting my feet under your butt.  It’s warm there.

FIN.

(Evening. ISAAC stumbles up to STARBUCKS.)

ISAAC: Hey.  Hey.  Psst.  Hey.  Psst-hey.
STARBUCKS: What the — ?
ISAAC: Hey.
STARBUCKS: It’s nighttime!  What are you doin’ comin’ ’round here?
ISAAC: Oh, please.  You’re up.
STARBUCKS: You drunk, girl?
ISAAC: I’ve had a martini or two.  What’s it to you?  Hey.  Hey.  I want some coffee.  I want some, oh, wait, I should be — how do you like me — “Oh, no, Starbucks, I couldn’t possibly have coffee!  I’m trying to be good! Please don’t take advantage of me in my weak state!”

(Beat.)

ISAAC: There.  How was that?
STARBUCKS: I feel dirty.
ISAAC: Good.  Now you know how I feel.

(Beat.)

ISAAC: I didn’t know where else to go.
STARBUCKS: You want some coffee?
ISAAC: No!  I want — I’m lonely, I want — companionship.  This has been a bad week.  Gay marriage got rejected.  My play got rejected.  And “The Blind Side” is the top movie for the second week in a row.
STARBUCKS: I’m sorry, girl.
ISAAC: Do you accept me, Starbucks?
STARBUCKS: Of course I do.
ISAAC: Thanks.  That’s nice.  I accept you, too.  I mean, I pay for you.  Would you pay for me?
STARBUCKS: Well, I –
ISAAC: I mean, I think that’s what I really need right now, for someone to want to pay for me.  You know?
STARBUCKS: Like a ho?
ISAAC: No, not like a — yes, wait.  Yes.  Like a ho.  I will give a handjob to anyone who’ll produce my plays!
STARBUCKS: Girl, keep your voice down.
ISAAC: I don’t care.  I will camp out, with a lemonade handjob stand.  It’ll be like Woodstock but for handjobs.  Just give me a bottle of Jergens and a stool.
STARBUCKS: Holy shit.
ISAAC: I think I could do full release in two-minutes– I used to play piano.  Eye contact would cost extra.  Not negotiable.
STARBUCKS: I’m puttin’ you in a cab.
ISAAC: Jesus Christ.  I don’t need a cab, I need a.  Wait.  You’re Starbucks.  You have a kajillion dollars.  Will you produce my plays?
STARBUCKS: No can do.  Hard times, girl.
ISAAC: Not even with a handjob?
STARBUCKS: Nope.
ISAAC: Fine, I’ll throw in eye contact, on the house.
STARBUCKS: TAXI!
ISAAC: No, stop it.
STARBUCKS: Can’t ever get a fuckin’ cab.
ISAAC: Stop it.
STARBUCKS: What?
ISAAC: Just: ssshhh.
STARBUCKS: Okay.
ISAAC: Listen.

(Beat.)

STARBUCKS: To what?
ISAAC: That.

(Traffic.)

ISAAC: Every day growing up I dreamed of living here and now I do. You moved here, too, right?
STARBUCKS: Yup.
ISAAC: From Seattle?
STARBUCKS: Yeah.
ISAAC: Baltimore here.

(Wind.  Trash.  People shouting.  Music from a car.)

STARBUCKS: Sorry about your play.
ISAAC: It’s fine.
STARBUCKS: Sorry about no gay marriage.
ISAAC: Me too.
STARBUCKS: Sure you don’t want a cab?
ISAAC: Nah.  I’m taking the subway.  Perhaps I’ll meet my first associate producer on it.
STARBUCKS: Come morning time you gonna remember this talk?
ISAAC: Probably not.  If I ask you where I got thirty dollars in fives from, please don’t tell me.

FIN.

(ISAAC is walking up 42nd Street.)

STARBUCKS: Boo!
ISAAC: I see you.
STARBUCKS: Did I scare you?
ISAAC: No.
STARBUCKS: You ain’t dressed up.
ISAAC: Should I be?
STARBUCKS: It’s Halloween, baby!
ISAAC: Who are you supposed to be?
STARBUCKS: I’m the boy in the balloon.
ISAAC: There was no boy in the balloon.  They found him hiding in the attic.
STARBUCKS: Why you gotta be like that?
ISAAC: I’m just saying.
STARBUCKS: You no fun.  You wanna hear a scary story, at least?
ISAAC: No.
STARBUCKS: There once was a boy who didn’t drink enough coffee every day.  As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, he turned away from the world.  He didn’t do nothing, didn’t see friends, didn’t update his blog, didn’t go out on dates, didn’t slut it up on the Internet — he just stayed at home eatin’ dried cranberries and watchin’ old episodes of “Frasier.”  His urinary tract was healthy but his dance card was not.
ISAAC: Very funny.
STARBUCKS: What?
ISAAC: I’m the boy.  That’s what you’re getting at, isn’t it.
STARBUCKS: Let me finish!
ISAAC: I will have you know that I have been working on a play and that is why I haven’t been around.  I don’t know what my coffee intake has to do with my social life or my blog, but as per usual your fables are driven not by message but by market.  And I will also have you know that I try to write a guy every other day on OK Cupid and not one of them ever writes me back.  Same on Manhunt.  I can’t even give it away these days.
STARBUCKS: (flashlight under chin) There once was a boy who didn’t drink enough coffee every day …
ISAAC: Oh, shut up and fuck you, I’m coming in for coffee anyway.  I spent all morning fussing with a scene in my play that I’ve fussed with so much already that I no longer have any instincts about it.  It’s just mush.
STARBUCKS: A little caffeine’ll turn that mush to gold.
ISAAC: That’s what I’m hoping.
STARBUCKS: (inhales) Smell that?
ISAAC: What?
STARBUCKS: It’s fall.  Almost time for me to bust out my red cups.

FIN.

(Morning. ISAAC approaches Starbucks.)

STARBUCKS: Good mornin’, baby.
ISAAC: Good morning.
STARBUCKS: What, you just comin’ on in?
ISAAC: Yes. 
STARBUCKS: Where’s your home brew?
ISAAC: I didn’t make it this morning.
STARBUCKS: But I’m expensive.
ISAAC: I don’t care. I’m splurging.
STARBUCKS: Oh.  Really?
ISAAC: I’ve been sick all weekend.  All I wanted to do was sleep, but my upstairs neighbor was putting together Ikea bedroom furniture at 11:30 each night.  In my mind she’s a recent Barnard graduate completely blind to context clues.  I’ve named her Cindy.  I hate her.
STARBUCKS: Poor Cindy.  Just wants it to feel like home.
ISAAC: I’m also worried I have Restless Leg Syndrome.
STARBUCKS: Oh Lord.
ISAAC: My legs twitch every couple of minutes when I’m first going to sleep, and it wakes me up. What do you think that means?
STARBUCKS: (sighing) I don’t know.
ISAAC: I’ve had a lot of soup.  And candy corn — I will not let this cold keep me from observing the changing of the seasons.  Also, is ginger tea a laxative?  Because my mornings are out of control.
STARBUCKS: Girl, there are families in here.
ISAAC: And I haven’t heard from the teacher.  It’s been over a week since I left him a voice message and he has not called me back.  We went on three dates.  It seemed to be going so well, but maybe I was operating in a parallel fantasy universe, one in which men find me to be a desirable candidate for lovemaking and cohabitation.
STARBUCKS: This is gettin’ dark.
ISAAC: Oh, and I may or may not have watched the Kate Winslet half of “The Holiday” last night with a glass or two of wine and cried, like, five times.
STARBUCKS: Jesus Christ, woman!
ISAAC: Should I text the teacher?  I should text him.

(ISAAC gets out his phone, flips it open.)

STARBUCKS: Whoa, whoa.  Hold up, now.
ISAAC: I drafted a couple of options last night.  How’s this: “Hey, did you get my message?”  Casual, right?  Or “Hey, how’s your week going?” — you know, just letting it slide.  Or there’s, “How dare you cast me aside, like Rufus Sewell cast Kate Winslet aside in ‘The Holiday’ — ?”
STARBUCKS: No.
ISAAC: Wait, I’m not — “cast Kate Winslet aside in ‘The Holiday,’ when she so clearly had the capacity to love with a whole heart — ” (pushing buttons) Hold on, I had to start a new text for the rest of the message.  Let me get to it.
STARBUCKS: No, you crazy bitch!
ISAAC: (slamming phone shut)  My god.  You’re right.  I told you I needed iced coffee.
STARBUCKS: Maybe you was comin’ on too strong.  You ever think about that? 
ISAAC: Oh.  Really?
STARBUCKS: Doesn’t seem to be out of character for you.  Seein’ as how you just came bargin’ on in here like a sad tornado, practically begging for the sweet cold coffee.  Takes all the fun out of it.
ISAAC: Wait a second.  Are you implying that I not only came on too strong with the teacher but that I’m also coming on too strong with you?
STARBUCKS: Don’t take it the wrong way, sweets.
ISAAC: Too strong?!  You harass me every morning, trying to get me to come in here.
STARBUCKS: I know.  What can I say?  I like the chase.
ISAAC: So I’m appealing when I just walk by, intent on ignoring you, but when I’m in here, clearly wanting you, you’re disinterested.
STARBUCKS: I’m a man, baby.
ISAAC: You’re a corporate monstrosity.
STARBUCKS: Men are conquerers, baby.
ISAAC: Stop calling me baby!  I’m going to pull my hair out!
STARBUCKS: See, now this is fun again.  You up in your soprano register, screechin’, I’m down here in my low bass, smoothin’ – we makin’ sweet jazz again.
ISAAC: This is not music.  This is a transaction.  Money for goods.  I am being clear: I am here, I am clear; I would like coffee and I would like love. 
STARBUCKS: Tell me you hate me. 
ISAAC: No!
STARBUCKS: Pretend you’re going to a competitor.  Pretend you’re going to 7-11.
ISAAC: I AM WORTHY OF COFFEE AND LOVE!
STARBUCKS: Come on, girl.  There are families in here.

FIN.

(ISAAC is walking to work.)

STARBUCKS: Hey there.
ISAAC: Good morning.
STARBUCKS: You dressed up.
ISAAC: Mm-hmm.
STARBUCKS: You look nice.
ISAAC: (stopping) I will not fall for this today. I made a delicious cup of coffee at home.
STARBUCKS: I’m just …
ISAAC: I am an impenetrable fortress of homemade coffee, lightened with whole milk and sweetened with raw agave nectar!
STARBUCKS: Damn, girl, you …
ISAAC: Impenetrable fortress!

(Beat.)

STARBUCKS: You done?
ISAAC: Yes.
STARBUCKS: I ain’t about that today.
ISAAC: What are you about?
STARBUCKS: Just wanted to tell you you looked nice — shit.  Why you so dressed up?
ISAAC: I’m not so dressed up. It’s not like I’m in a tux; I’m in a button-down. Why are you snickering?
STARBUCKS: Because! Girl, for you that is a tux.
ISAAC: I’m trying to dress nicely! I’m trying!
STARBUCKS: You sure this is all just for work?
ISAAC: Okay, fine, and I might have a second date this evening with the teacher.
STARBUCKS: What do you mean “might”?
ISAAC: We made tentative plans, and he’s going to text me this afternoon to confirm.
STARBUCKS: Or deny.
ISAAC: Don’t call it that.  It’s not denying.
STARBUCKS: You’d've gotten all gussied up for nothin’.
ISAAC: I got “gussied up” for me!
STARBUCKS: You like him.
ISAAC: I had a good time with him.  I’m looking forward to seeing him again.
STARBUCKS: You excited.  You listenin’ to music and gettin’ carried away in your head, ain’t you?
ISAAC: No.
STARBUCKS: What you got on your iPod?
ISAAC: Hey, let go of that!
STARBUCKS: (reading) “Let Me Touch You For A While” — Alison Krauss!
ISAAC: IT’S ON SHUFFLE!
STARBUCKS: You gonna be okay if tonight don’t work out?
ISAAC: Of course.  I am patient and I am secure.
STARBUCKS: If I was you, I’d take it mighty personal if tonight don’t work out.
ISAAC: What are you trying to do to me here?
STARBUCKS: All I’m sayin’ is — I’ll be here when that text come in.  Confirmin’ or denyin’, I’ll be here.  Whether you want to celebrate, or … well, you know.
ISAAC: My god, you are a menace.
STARBUCKS: I’m a master, baby.
ISAAC: You are shrewd and conniving.
STARBUCKS: You come to me in sadness before and I took you in.  Took you in gladly.  Wiped the tears from your cheek and the brownie from your chin and gave you some sweet iced coffee for your troubles.
ISAAC: Impenetrable fortress …
STARBUCKS: I’m just down the street.  Open all day.

FIN.

(A beautiful September morning. ISAAC runs up 42nd Street.)

ISAAC: Starbucks! Starbucks!

(ISAAC swings open the door to Starbucks.)

ISAAC: Starbucks!

(He stops dead in his tracks.)

ISAAC: Starbucks?
STARBUCKS: Oh, um — hey, baby.
ISAAC: What is this?  Am I interrupting something?
STARBUCKS: It’s –
ISAAC: There are so many … other people here. You’re so crowded.
STARBUCKS: This ain’t me and you, baby. This is just work.
ISAAC: This line of tourists stretches practically to the door.
STARBUCKS: It’s what I do.  You knew it all along.
TOURIST MAN: Excuse me. Do you know where “Mammia Mia” is showing?
ISAAC: The Winter Garden. Broadway between 50th and 51st.
TOURIST MAN: Thank you.
ISAAC: I just — I can’t believe this.  I thought I was special. 
STARBUCKS: You are special, baby.
ISAAC: Is that entire family wearing oversized football jerseys?  Even the baby?
STARBUCKS: I was givin’ you your space.  What’re you doing here anyway?  Where’s your gay little thermos?
ISAAC: The coffee I made at home this morning was terrible.  It was watery and weird.  I didn’t have time to make another cup, so I went to my piggy bank –
STARBUCKS: You got a piggy bank?
ISAAC: Yes, I have a piggy bank.  It’s actually in the shape of a pug, so I call it a puggy bank.  I had enough in there for an iced coffee, so I was coming to get one.  I was excited.
STARBUCKS: You gonna pay in all dimes and nickels?
ISAAC: And quarters and pennies. 
STARBUCKS: What the fuck?
ISAAC: It’s legal tender!
STARBUCKS: Hold that thought, I gotta hop on.  Rachel’s going on break.
ISAAC: By all means.
STARBUCKS: How can I help you, ma’am?
TOURIST LADY: Hi, I’m not gonna say your venti word, I’m gonna say large. 
ISAAC: Jesus Christ.
TOURIST LADY: Give me a large caramel machiatto, and … hmmm.
ISAAC: All this time in line and not prepared to order when the moment is hers. Fantastic.
TOURIST LADY: Aaaaaaand … a large peppermint mocha twist frappuccino.  Oh, three vanilla bean mini scones.
ISAAC: I can’t watch this, you with her.
STARBUCKS: I’m here to give people what they want. I’m a humble servant.
TOURIST LADY: Aaaaaaand … (shouting across the room) DORIS! YOU WANT ANYTHING?
DORIS: (in line for the bathroom) That cinnamon thing!
TOURIST LADY: And an iced cinnamon dolce latte.
DORIS: NON-FAT!
TOURIST LADY: Non-fat.

(ISAAC goes to the door.)

STARBUCKS: What, you just gonna leave?
ISAAC: I’m going to be late for work.
STARBUCKS: Where you gonna get your coffee?
ISAAC: I don’t know.  Somewhere that will accept three dollars in quarters, nickels and dimes.
STARBUCKS: I understand.  Do me a favor, girl.
ISAAC: What?
STARBUCKS: Think of me, whoever you drink.
ISAAC: I will.  I will.

FIN.

(ISAAC is walking to work, dragging his feet.)

STARBUCKS: (sucks teeth)

(Beat.)

STARBUCKS: (sucks teeth)

(Beat.)

STARBUCKS: Dag, girl.  That is cold.
ISAAC: What?  What is it now?
STARBUCKS: Don’t act like you just some innocent little flower.
ISAAC: I’m trying to get to work.  I’m late.
STARBUCKS: What did you do on Sunday?
ISAAC: I beg your pardon?
STARBUCKS: Did I stutter?
ISAAC: Well, I.  I spent the day with Micah.
STARBUCKS: Peachy.  What’d you ladies do?
ISAAC: We.  Um, we went to church in the morning and saw a terrible Fringe show at night.
STARBUCKS: What’d you do in between?
ISAAC: You want to know all the — ?
STARBUCKS: Indulge me.
ISAAC: Well, after church we got a quick bite with Micah’s boyfriend.  We went to H&M, where I bought a suit for my cousin’s wedding.  We went to The Strand, where I got a book of Joan Didion essays, a book of Truman Capote essays, and Jane Fonda’s memoir.
STARBUCKS: Uh huh.  Keep goin’.
ISAAC: Then we ate lunch at Angelica Kitchen and got Red Mango afterward.  Come to think of it, we really ate a lot yesterday.  We tried to find a movie we were both equally interested in seeing.  I wanted to see “500 Days of Summer” and he wanted to see “District 9,” and it’s not that I didn’t want to see “District 9,” it’s just that I was more in the mood for something light, something frothy …
STARBUCKS: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
ISAAC: We didn’t wind up seeing a movie.  We walked around, sat in Washington Square Park, ran into Jack twice, had dinner at some Thai place on Bleecker and then saw the show.
STARBUCKS: That’s it?
ISAAC: That’s it.
STARBUCKS: No, it ain’t.
ISAAC: What do you mean?
STARBUCKS: You left somethin’ out.
ISAAC: Did I?
STARBUCKS: I know it’s hard to imagine, you leavin’ some minute detail out about, what, fuckin’ “500 Days of Summer” and some bullshit …
ISAAC: You don’t think Joseph Gordon-Levitt is cute?

(Beat.)

ISAAC: I mean, I know he’s kind of pretentious and annoying in interviews, but still. At the very least he thinks.
STARBUCKS: Did you.  Stop for.  Coffee?

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Oh.
STARBUCKS: Uh huh.
ISAAC: How did you — ?
STARBUCKS: What, you think I just sit around here all day waiting for yo’ pretty face to come smudgin’ up against my window?  I got a life.  I get out.
ISAAC: I can explain.
STARBUCKS: Say it.  I wanna hear you say it out loud.
ISAAC: Fine: I bought an iced coffee on Sunday.
STARBUCKS: Where’d you buy it?
ISAAC: Not at Starbucks.
STARBUCKS: Where.
ISAAC: I bought an iced coffee at Think Coffee on Sunday.
STARBUCKS: (howling) Oh, mama!  Mama, it hurts!
ISAAC: Will you — stop that!  Stop that.  You are making a scene!
STARBUCKS: Think Coffee?!  What the fuck, man?  You just tryin’ to hurt me now. 
ISAAC: What’s wrong with Think Coffee? They seem lovely — they give ten percent of their profits to local charities, and their cups are corn-based and biodegradable.
STARBUCKS: See this? This is corn-based, too.
ISAAC: Well, that is just obscene.
STARBUCKS: Fuck that.
ISAAC: It was the logical place to go!  It was convenient.
STARBUCKS: You were in the Village, man!  I’m all over the fuckin’ Village.
ISAAC: Well, I’m sorry.
STARBUCKS: You a cold piece of work.
ISAAC: That’s not fair.
STARBUCKS: How much did your large iced Think Coffee cost?
ISAAC: I … look, I need to get to work.
STARBUCKS: Uh huh.  Can’t look me in the eye now.  How much it cost?
ISAAC: It was $3.07.
STARBUCKS: And how big was it compared to my venti?
ISAAC: It was smaller, OK?  You happy?

(Beat.)

STARBUCKS: Heh.  Heh heh.
ISAAC: Laugh, it’s fine.
STARBUCKS: Heh heh heh heh heh.
ISAAC: It’s very funny.
STARBUCKS: It’s fuckin’ high-larious, that’s for sure.  You go strayin’ and you get a small one.
ISAAC: Well, I’m glad I could entertain you this morning.

(ISAAC walks off.)

STARBUCKS: Heh heh heh.  Heh heh heh heh heh.  Heh!  Heh heh!  Heh heh.

(ISAAC returns.)

ISAAC: OK, I’m halfway up the block and I can still hear you laughing.  Will you please stop?
STARBUCKS: I’m sorry, baby; it’s just funny!
ISAAC: What do you want me to say?  That I’m sorry?  That I made a mistake?  That I missed you and wished I’d been getting my coffee from you?
STARBUCKS: That sounds about right.
ISAAC: Oh god.  You are impossible.
STARBUCKS: Heh heh.
ISAAC: Shut up.
STARBUCKS: (swinging open its doors) You let me know when you had enough of that charitable corn coffee.
ISAAC: You’re going to milk this for all it’s worth.
STARBUCKS: Heh heh heh.
ISAAC: Shut up, shut up, shut up.

(ISAAC storms into STARBUCKS.)

ISAAC: This is strictly damage control.
STARBUCKS: Treat you mean and you come runnin’.  Oughta get that looked at one of these days.

FIN.

(ISAAC is walking to work. It’s impossibly humid.)

STARBUCKS: Mm-mm.

(Beat.)

STARBUCKS: Don’t you walk on by, girl.
ISAAC: I’m sorry, it’s just. Easier if I keep walking.
STARBUCKS: What, you ain’t got time for a little love?
ISAAC: I can’t do this again.
STARBUCKS: Why not?
ISAAC: Because I was doing so well. I’ve been brewing my coffee at home.
STARBUCKS: You think I didn’t notice you runnin’ by every morning with your little gay thermos?
ISAAC: I was saving money and being green.
STARBUCKS: Well, that’s all fine and dandy in the cold time, but now we in the hot and sticky summertime, and you know nothing tastes better than an iced coffee.
ISAAC: I know.
STARBUCKS: A venti iced –
ISAAC: Don’t.
STARBUCKS: It’s so hot out.  You don’t want to open that little gay thermos and burn your tongue on that piping hot, what is that, fuckin’ Maxwell House –
ISAAC: It’s the generic Whole Foods brand, the 365 French Roast –
STARBUCKS: 365 French Ro — when was the last time you laid down with a man?
ISAAC: Look, I’m starting to cold-brew iced coffee. It’s going fairly well, and I’d appreciate it if you could respect my choices and not belittle them.
STARBUCKS: I see that bead of sweat rollin’ down your forehead.  And I bet your chest is all sorts o’ sweaty up under that messenger bag strap.
ISAAC: It is.
STARBUCKS: Come inside, baby.  It’s cool in here.  We got Diana Krall on.
ISAAC: I … I …
McDONALD’S: Yoo-hoo!
ISAAC: (whipping around) You stay the HELL OUT OF THIS!

(McDONALD’S cries softly.)

STARBUCKS: It ain’t like you to raise your voice.
ISAAC: I know, it’s just.  I’m in a behemoth of a creative rut, and my job is sucking out my soul a little bit each day, and I asked a guy out who seems promising and he said yes but now it’s been almost two weeks and I haven’t heard back from him to schedule our date, and every time I think about it I feel like Ginnifer Goodwin in “He’s Just Not That Into You,” and that’s pretty much the most depressing feeling in the world because that movie sucked ass.  And yes, it has been a while since I’ve laid down with a man — in fact, the last man I laid down with called me a cold and distant prostitute, so I could stand to seek out nicer men, which is what I was trying to do, you know?

(Beat.)

STARBUCKS: I miss you.
ISAAC: What?  That’s all you have to say?  After I poured my — I don’t know why I poured my heart out to you, you’ve oversaturated the market, why should I expect you to be able to focus?
STARBUCKS: Don’t you miss me?
ISAAC: Of course I do.
STARBUCKS: We had a good thing goin’ on, our summer mornings together.
ISAAC: I’ve made it so far.
STARBUCKS: Treat yourself.
ISAAC: I’ll feel so ashamed.
STARBUCKS: That turns you on!
ISAAC: God, you know me well.
STARBUCKS: I may not be able to get you a job writin’ for “30 Rock,” or out of the poorhouse, or a man who’ll pursue you with equal crazy, but, baby, I can give you iced coffee.
ISAAC: OK.  OK, that sounds nice.

(ISAAC walks to the entrance.)

STARBUCKS: Got my windows cleaned.  Got new door handles.
ISAAC: You look great.

FIN.

(ISAAC is walking to work. He walks past STARBUCKS.)

STARBUCKS: Hey, tubs.
ISAAC: Hey.
STARBUCKS: I see you looking over here.
ISAAC: Please. Don’t.
STARBUCKS: What?
ISAAC: I can’t.
STARBUCKS: You don’t want what I got?
ISAAC: Not today.
STARBUCKS: You said that yesterday. And the day before.
ISAAC: I can’t have you every day! You’re a frivolous expense!
STARBUCKS: Aw, now you gone and hurt my feelings.
ISAAC: I’m sorry.
STARBUCKS: I always done right by you, baby.
ISAAC: I know you have.
STARBUCKS: I seen you through some hard times.
ISAAC: It’s true.
STARBUCKS: Those sleepless nights.
ISAAC: I know.
STARBUCKS: Those sleepless, date-less nights.
ISAAC: No need to get mean.
STARBUCKS: I got some iced coffee for you. It’s happy juice, man. It’ll taste better than anything you’ve ever tasted.
ISAAC: I know it will.
STARBUCKS: And you’re so tired today, aren’t you? Even though you went to bed at 11:30?
ISAAC: I am, yes.
STARBUCKS: You might have yourself a sleep disorder.
ISAAC: Don’t say that.
STARBUCKS: Why not?
ISAAC: You know I’m neurotic about potential health problems!
STARBUCKS: Some happy juice will dance those worries away.
ISAAC: Your “happy juice” is $3.03. I can’t afford that.
McDONALD’S: Yoo-hoo!
ISAAC: Oh, god.
McDONALD’S: I’ve got happy juice, too! And mine’s $2.16, almost a dollar less!
STARBUCKS: Shut up, bitch!
McDONALD’S: How rude! What’s wrong with some friendly competition? There’s room enough for us both on this block!
STARBUCKS: You don’t want her happy juice, man. It’s all sugar and cream.
McDONALD’S: But it tastes so sweet, doesn’t it?
ISAAC: Yes. Yes, it does.
STARBUCKS: Mine’s got twice the caffeine!
ISAAC: I’ve always appreciated that.
STARBUCKS: So, come on, baby. Step inside.
ISAAC: I can’t.
McDONALD’S: Make it a morning with me! Just because you buy my iced coffee doesn’t mean you support McDonald’s in general. We’ll let this one slide.
ISAAC: You guys, I can’t do this every day anymore.
STARBUCKS: It can just be today.
ISAAC: It can never just be today. I’m going to work.
McDONALD’S: It’s so lonely there.
ISAAC: I’ll chug water.
STARBUCKS: Why have cider when you can have champagne?
ISAAC: Goodbye!
STARBUCKS: Get your fat ass back here.
McDONALD’S: Well, isn’t he satisfied with himself!
STARBUCKS: Eh, he’ll crash later and be nasty.
McDONALD’S: I should hope so!
STARBUCKS: Damn, girl, you lookin’ fine. What are you doin’ later?

FIN.