Category Archives: Box Office Scenes

A woman cut in front of me in line in Starbucks this morning, and when I brought this to her attention she replied, “Oh, did I?  Well, if you don’t mind, I’m in a bit of a hurry,” and turned her back to me.

She of course had lots of demands surrounding the preparation of her latte, while I simply ordered a massive iced coffee, so by the time hers was ready mine was as well.  I held the door for her on the way out and she said nothing.  We walked neck and neck along 42nd Street until we both stopped at the door to theater I work at.

It turns out the hurry she was in was to get to my box office window.  She didn’t even appear to remember me from our Starbucks encounter moments before.  But, oh, I remembered her. 

Before I’d even sat down at my computer:

WOMAN: Do you have any rush tickets?
ISAAC: No, I’m sorry.
WOMAN: How much are tickets?
ISAAC: $75.
WOMAN: Really?
ISAAC: Yes.
WOMAN: That seems really expensive for a show of sonnets that are, ha, I mean, ha, in the public domain, you know, with only two actors. I mean, no offense, but that is ridiculous.
ISAAC: None taken – I don’t set the prices.
WOMAN: You can’t sell me a cheaper ticket?
ISAAC: No, I’m sorry, there’s only the one price.
WOMAN: I mean, you can’t be selling well.
ISAAC: We are, actually.  Both shows today are almost sold out.

“Oh,” she replied, and walked off without another word.  My own feelings about the ticket price aside, it felt, ha, I mean, ha, it felt so good.

(ISAAC is in the box office listening to Dido. Yes, you read that right: Dido. Shut up, it’s on a mix CD that he got from a friend in college. Anyway, an ELDERLY WOMAN approaches the window.)

ELDERLY WOMAN: What’s the next show in here?
ISAAC: It’s a new play that Lincoln Center Theater is producing, and it’s –
ELDERLY WOMAN: Is it part of that summer festival, with all the Dutch people running around?
ISAAC: The Dutch people?
ELDERLY WOMAN: You know, and the orchestras.
ISAAC: Oh, do you mean the festival Lincoln Center itself does?
ELDERLY WOMAN: Yes, with the orchestras.
ISAAC: That’s separate.  This is produced by Lincoln Center Theater.
ELDERLY WOMAN: The Theater?
ISAAC: You know, they’re doing “South Pacific,” they’re over by Juilliard.
ELDERLY WOMAN: Oh god, yes.  What on earth are they doing up there?
ISAAC: What?
ELDERLY WOMAN: All that construction! 
ISAAC: They’re fixing it up!
ELDERLY WOMAN: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, that’s what I say.
ISAAC: I think some things might’ve been broke, don’t you?
ELDERLY WOMAN: The Avery Fisher Hall is a disaster now.  It’s all glass, and you look in and see a cafeteria.  A cafeteria!  Who wants to see people eating out of brown paper bags?  That’s not what I want to see when I go to the symphony.  And they’ve got a stairway to nowhere out front.  Have you seen that?
ISAAC: I have.  It’s nice for people to sit on and take pictures in front of, I suppose.
ELDERLY WOMAN: A stairway to nowhere at the symphony.  And the wind!  The wind is absolutely terrible there, because it’s by the river, and you’ve got nothing to hold onto or duck behind now, it’s all glass, and people eating sandwiches.
ISAAC: Oh, goodness.
ELDERLY WOMAN: And inside.  Have you been inside?
ISAAC: No, I haven’t.
ELDERLY WOMAN: It used to be so grand.  You could see from wherever you sat.  Now it’s so grim.  The walls.  You’re boxed in.
ISAAC: I’m sorry.
ELDERLY WOMAN: It’s an architect’s city now.  It used to be for the people.  Now it’s for the architects.  At Juilliard, there are all those stairs now in the front entrance.  I said to the security guard, I said, “How do the students get their double basses up all these stairs?” And he said they have to take a side elevator.  A side elevator for the double basses, at Juilliard, which is supposed to be about the students and their instruments, and what do they do?  Plop a flight of fancy stairs in their lobby. 

(Beat.)

ELDERLY WOMAN: I’m only saying this because it’s all over the city.  It’s a New York thing, a blight.
ISAAC: Well, maybe some people like it.  Did you want to get tickets to the play?
ELDERLY WOMAN: You’re busy.  You’re working.

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Yes.
ELDERLY WOMAN: I’m just talking.
ISAAC: It’s all right.
ELDERLY WOMAN: (blowing him a kiss) You have a good day.
ISAAC: You too.  Nice talking to you.

(ISAAC and ERICA are sitting in the box office, handing out will call tickets right before a show. A TDF LADY comes to pick up her tickets.)

TDF LADY: Are these in the front row?
ISAAC: Yes, they are.
TDF LADY: Ugh.  Do you have anything further back?
ISAAC: I don’t.
TDF LADY: Nothing further back?
ISAAC: Since you bought tickets at a discount through TDF, you don’t get to pick your seat locations.
TDF LADY: I know, but the front row is horrible.
ISAAC: I can upgrade you if you’d like to pay the full price of a ticket.
TDF LADY: No, I won’t do that.
ISAAC: Well, then, you get what you get.
TDF LADY: Don’t be nasty.

(She walks off.)

(ISAAC is processing house seat orders when an older woman and her adult daughter approach the window.)

ISAAC: Hello.
DAUGHTER: Hi! We’d like –
MOTHER: “Measure for Measure,” for either –
DAUGHTER: For either the sixth of February or the thirteenth.
MOTHER: Three seats.
ISAAC: All right, let me see what I have.
DAUGHTER: I’m sure not much.
MOTHER: Just wait and see.
DAUGHTER: We waited too long!
MOTHER: See what he says.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a good feeling.
ISAAC: On the sixth I have three seats in Row E, seats 1-5.
DAUGHTER: Oh god.
ISAAC: Those are great seats.
MOTHER: All the way on the side.
ISAAC: No, they’re on the aisle. Very good seats.
MOTHER: No, no.
ISAAC: On the thirteenth I have in Row A, seats 1-5.
MOTHER: Closer, yes.
DAUGHTER: But that’s on the extreme side.
ISAAC: It’s the center.
MOTHER: The other seats were on the extreme side as well, just higher up. Even worse.
ISAAC: Both great options.
DAUGHTER: This is terrible.
ISAAC: I can check another date for you.
DAUGHTER: Can we check another date, Mother? Please?
MOTHER: I’m trying to find something for the three of us.
DAUGHTER: She’ll hate it. She’ll hate it! Her eyes will twirl and she won’t appreciate it. She hears that it’s Elizabethan language and she complains to the heavens. Why are we catering to someone who will hate this?
MOTHER: All right. You’re right. Let me get out my calendar and get down to business. And my second pair of eyes — I’m useless without my second pair of eyes!
DAUGHTER: (to ISAAC) Is it modern dress?
ISAAC: I don’t think so, but don’t quote me on that, I haven’t seen it yet.
MOTHER: I loathe modern dress!
DAUGHTER: No, but Mother –
MOTHER: I walked out of “Romeo & Juliet” at Stratford-upon-Avon because it was modern dress!
DAUGHTER: Mother, you saw Richard Burton do “Hamlet” in modern dress.
MOTHER: Yes, but the only thing that kept me in that theater was that it was Dickie Burton.
DAUGHTER: And we saw F. Murray Abraham do “Merchant of Venice” here, in this very theater, in modern dress, and that worked. That really worked.
MOTHER: Yes, yes it did. All right, now that I have my second pair of eyes. How about the twentieth?
DAUGHTER: A little flexibility, Mother, please? Could we do a matinee, too?
MOTHER: I hate matinees.
ISAAC: On the twentieth I can do two in Row A, seats 111-112, and one in Row B, directly behind the pair.
MOTHER: We only need the pair; we are abandoning her sister.
DAUGHTER: She’d hate it, Mother.
MOTHER: Her sister who lives in England but cannot stand verse.
ISAAC: Well, I suppose it’s not for everyone. So the pair in Row A, then, on the twentieth?
DAUGHTER: I say we take them and be forever grateful.
MOTHER: Yes, we will take them. We do not go to the theater often, but when do, we do it right.
DAUGHTER: Oh, and “Measure for Measure”! It’s such a messy, sticky play. One of his stickiest plays. There’s so much in it.
MOTHER: (to ISAAC) My daughter is an English major.
ISAAC: Wonderful!
MOTHER: And a damn good one!
DAUGHTER: Mother, stop it, or I’ll have to punish you.
MOTHER: Go right ahead. Hit me in my stomach. It’s too big anyway.

FIN.

(ISAAC is in the box office, running close-out reports for the matinée that just started. A WOMAN comes barreling out of the theater and walks straight up to the box office window.)

WOMAN: I would like a refund.  I was not told there would be nudity in this production. I don’t see anything with nudity in it, I’m against nudity.
ISAAC: I’m sorry, ma’am.  We do have signage posted at the entrance of the theater that says there’s nudity in the production.
WOMAN: I’d like you to give me a refund.
ISAAC: I can’t authorize a refund of your subscription.  You’ll have to call the subscription office for that.  Here, I’ll write out the phone number for you.

(He writes the phone number down for her.)

WOMAN: And they can’t sing. I can’t listen to them. Why didn’t you cast someone who could sing?
ISAAC: I just work in the box office, ma’am; I don’t work in casting.
WOMAN: I want you to tell them that I only stayed five minutes.  I want you to tell them that I left.  Tell them I didn’t like the nudity and I didn’t like the show and that the singers were horrible.
ISAAC: Ma’am, you can tell them all of that when you call.
WOMAN: I just thought this was horrible!
ISAAC: Well, I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy it.
WOMAN: Ugh.

(She walks off.)

FIN.

(The phone room at work. ISAAC, TARA, BETH, LOUISE and FAITH are sitting at their computers.)

ISAAC: Do you think Walgreens would have candy corn? I’m going to go check. People want candy corn, right?
TARA, BETH, LOUISE & FAITH: Yes!
ISAAC: OK, I’m going. Anybody need anything from Walgreens, besides candy corn?
TARA: Yes — Summer’s Eve, please.

FIN.

(ISAAC and ERICA are handing out will call tickets to a long line of patrons at the awful Wednesday matinee. An OLD CRONE is walking up and down the line, waving a ticket at the patrons.)

OLD CRONE: I have an extra ticket. I’ll sell it to you for cheaper than they will!
ISAAC: Ma’am! You cannot do that here; you have to go outside!

(The OLD CRONE sticks her tongue out at ISAAC and walks off.)

ERICA: Oh my god. Did you just see that woman stick her tongue out at you?
ISAAC: No! Did she really?
ERICA: Yup.
ISAAC: I am so sorry I missed that.

FIN.

(The last Wednesday matinee of the season. It’s a doozy. The oldies are out for tickets — and blood. ISAAC and ERICA are working in the box office. Patrons are lined up at ERICA’S window, signing up for the waiting list.)

MAN #1: Hi, my last name is Moore, and I’m looking for one ticket.
ERICA: OK, you’re all set on the list. Just make sure you’re back at that end of the hallway at 1:45.
MAN #1: OK, thanks.

(MAN #1 walks off. The next patron in line steps up.)

WOMAN #1: My last name is Cohen, and I need three tickets.
ERICA: Ma’am, we only allow people to sign up for two tickets.
WOMAN #1: Only two? OK.

(She turns to the patron behind her.)

WOMAN #1: How many are you signing up for?
MAN #2: One.
WOMAN #1: Great. Can you sign up for two, one for my friend? Thanks.

(She walks off.)

MAN #2: Um. I guess I’m signing up for two.

FIN.

(ISAAC arrives at the box office at the beginning of a two-show day. There is already a line of crabby old women waiting for the box office to open. He unlocks the door, steps into the box office, sets his things down. He senses their crabby old eyes boring into him, trying to reach his soul’s last vestiges of innocence, and turns his back to them, trying to look “busy” while he gets ready to open the box office. The old ladies step closer and closer to the window. They move in a pack, like velociraptors, but old velociraptors with Chanel sunglasses and blood-red lipstick. ISAAC can hear them breathing at his window, but he has fifteen minutes before he’s open for business, and he treasures those fifteen minutes. Finally, he hears acryllic nails tapping on his window, and slowly turns, trying to keep his soul hidden.)

ISAAC: Hi.
CRABBY OLD WOMAN #1: Hello?
ISAAC: The box office opens at noon, so I just need you to wait fifteen minutes while I get everything set up.
CRABBY OLD WOMAN #1: I just have a quick question.
ISAAC: Is it really a quick question?
CRABBY OLD WOMAN #1: Yes.
ISAAC: OK. If it’s a quick question, I can answer it now, but if it’s a ticketing question, I’m going to have to ask you to wait fifteen minutes until I officially open for business.
CRABBY OLD WOMAN #1: It’s a quick question.
ISAAC: OK, what’s your question?

(Beat.)

CRABBY OLD WOMAN #1: Anything for the matinee?
ISAAC: Ma’am, that’s a ticketing question.
CRABBY OLD WOMAN #1: I only need one seat!

FIN.

(ISAAC is sitting in the box office. A MAN approaches the window.)

ISAAC: Hello.
MAN: Hold on.

(The MAN lifts up his cell phone, presses a button.)

MAN: (into the phone) You there?
WOMAN: (on speakerphone) Yeah.
MAN: OK. (to ISAAC) Four tickets on Tuesday, July 7th.
ISAAC: All right, let me see what I have.

(ISAAC searches for seats.)

WOMAN: “Stunning.”
MAN: What?
WOMAN: That’s the name of the show. Tell him.
MAN: (to ISAAC) “Stunning.”
ISAAC: I know.
MAN: (into the phone) He knows.
ISAAC: OK, I don’t have a whole lot left for that day, but I do have …
WOMAN: What is he saying? I can’t hear him.
MAN: He doesn’t have a whole lot left for that day.
WOMAN: OK, well, what does he have?
ISAAC: I can give you four in Row H, seats 111-114 on the aisle.
MAN: He has four in Row H, seats 111-114 on the aisle.
WOMAN: Row H?
MAN: Yeah.
WOMAN: What is that, on the side?
MAN: It’s at the end of the row. I’m looking at his chart.
WOMAN: Can we do two and two? Will that get us closer?

(Beat.)

MAN: Oh, sorry. You probably can’t hear her.

(He holds the phone up to the box office window.)

MAN: She asked if you have two and two.
ISAAC: I don’t have anything closer.
WOMAN: What about, if we do the row behind it, can we be a little more center?
ISAAC: In Row J I can do seats 105-108.
WOMAN: I can’t hear him.
MAN: He has in Row J seats 105-108.
WOMAN: That’s more centered?
ISAAC: Yes.
MAN: Yes.
WOMAN: Hold on. Let me think. How far are we from the stage?
MAN: It’s either the eighth row or the ninth row. Not a big difference. You decide.
WOMAN: Hold on. I’m gonna go online and look at the seating chart.

(Beat. ISAAC begins a game of Minesweeper.)

WOMAN: Oh yeah, Row J is the last row. Huh.
MAN: Row H you’re on the aisle, in case someone has to get up and pee.
WOMAN: I know, but then you have to get up to let everybody in to the row.
MAN: So take Row J.
WOMAN: OK, I’ll take Row J.
MAN: She’ll take Row J.
ISAAC: OK, that’s four tickets to “Stunning” on Tuesday, July 7th at 8 PM in Row J, seats 105-108. Those tickets are $20 each; $80 is your total.

(MAN hands ISAAC a credit card. ISAAC processes the order.)

MAN: What are you doing, you at work?
WOMAN: Yeah.
MAN: Busy?
WOMAN: Yeah, sort of.
MAN: Want me to bring the tickets by?
WOMAN: Yeah, just so I don’t lose them.
MAN: You want salad tonight?
WOMAN: Yeah, let’s get salad. Call me later.
ISAAC: OK, you’re all set for …
MAN: Wait, hold on. When are you out of work?
WOMAN: 6 PM. Call me later.
MAN: I’m bringing the tickets by.
WOMAN: Fine. Bye.
MAN: Bye.

FIN.

(ISAAC and TARA are sitting in the box office. ISAAC is eating cauliflower, TARA blueberries. The sales phone rings.)

TARA: (answering it) Ticket Services, how can I help you?

(Beat.)

TARA: We’re on 42nd Street between 7th and 8th Avenues.

(Beat.)

TARA: What? You’re where?

(Beat.)

TARA: OK, you need to walk down to 42nd Street and make a right. We’re between 7th and 8th Avenues.

(Beat.)

TARA: No, sir, we are not Victoria’s Secret.

(Beat.)

TARA: OK. Goodbye.

FIN.

(ISAAC is sitting in the box office, trying to finish his salad before the next patron walks up. Foiled! A WOMAN approaches the window.)

ISAAC: Hi, how can I –
WOMAN: Two for Wednesday, June 10th, in the evening.
ISAAC: OK. Let me show you what I have.
WOMAN: Yes?
ISAAC: I have two in Row B, seats 105-106, or I have two in Row F –
WOMAN: Row B.
ISAAC: All right! The tickets are $20 each, $40 total.

(She hands him two twenties.)

ISAAC: Thank you. Could I get your name to put on the tickets?
WOMAN: Just leave it blank.
ISAAC: We prefer to put your name on the tickets, for your own security.
WOMAN: Are you serious?
ISAAC: Well, if you lost your tickets, there’s a record then that you purchased them and it’s easier to track your sale.
WOMAN: (mumbled) Put Harris.
ISAAC: I’m sorry, did you say Paris?
WOMAN: HARRIS.
ISAAC: OK. And your first name?
WOMAN: Just a put a J. God, enough already.
ISAAC: All right. Just let me print out your tickets.

(ISAAC clicks through the few screens in order to quickly print her tickets.)

WOMAN: This is quite an intensive process.
ISAAC: Well, I thank you for your patience.

(He prints out her tickets and hands them to her.)

ISAAC: You’re all set for next Wednesday at –

(The WOMAN walks away.)

FIN.

(ISAAC and TARA are handing out will call tickets for that evening’s performance. A WOMAN approaches TARA’S window.)

WOMAN: I have tickets under my name, [name withheld].
TARA: All right, I just need to see the credit card these were purchased with. It looks like a Joseph [last name withheld] purchased these?
WOMAN: (shouting down the hall) Jooooooseph!
MAN: (from the other end of the hall) What?
WOMAN: Come here!
TARA: I just need to see his card and have him sign for the tickets.
WOMAN: She needs to see your card and your … something, I don’t know.
MAN: (approaching the window) Well, I’ll let her see my card, but I don’t know if I’ll let her see my something.
TARA: (laughing) Please, sir; this is a public building.
MAN: Oh? You wanna go somewhere private?
TARA: I won’t, but maybe she will.

FIN.

(ISAAC is finishing up selling tickets to a WOMAN at his window. Another WOMAN gets in line behind her.)

WOMAN #1: May I offer you a piece of customer service feedback?
ISAAC: Sure.
WOMAN #1: Nowhere on this e-mail blast does it list your box office hours. I was here at noon and was not happy to be told I had to come back at four.
ISAAC: I’m sorry for the inconvenience. We here in the box office don’t have control over the e-mail blasts, but I can definitely pass that feedback on to the ones who do.
WOMAN #1: OK, thank you. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that a box office would open at noon.
ISAAC: I understand. We’re just a smaller operation than most of the other theaters in this area.
WOMAN #1: I mean, I made a special trip here at noon.
WOMAN #2: I hear you! I was here at three.
WOMAN #1: Did you get the e-mail blast, too?
WOMAN #2: No, I was just in the area. So I walked over to the off-track betting but they wouldn’t let me place any bets. They don’t like me over there. So I came back and that had taken up the hour.

FIN.

(ISAAC is selling a ticket to a WOMAN at the window. Behind her in line is another WOMAN.)

ISAAC: OK, so that’s one ticket for Wednesday, June 17th at 2:00 PM. There are no refunds or exchanges; every sale is final.
WOMAN #1: Great. Thank you.

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Hmm. It doesn’t seem to want to print out your ticket.
WOMAN #1: Is there a problem with the card?
ISAAC: No, no, it’s a printer thing. It looks like it’s frozen or something. Let’s give it a moment, maybe it’ll work itself out.

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Hmm. Let me try something else.
WOMAN #2: (stepping forward) Is this going to take long?!
ISAAC: (to WOMAN #2) Hopefully not. (to WOMAN #1) Sorry for the wait.
WOMAN #1: Oh, it’s no problem. Don’t worry about it.
WOMAN #2: I mean, this is ridiculous.
ISAAC: It’s only been a couple of minutes, ma’am. Thank you for your patience.
WOMAN #2: What is the hold up?
ISAAC: I’m dealing with a printer problem here. If you would give me a moment, maybe I can figure out how to resolve it.
WOMAN #2: Unbelievable.

(ISAAC picks up his phone, tries to dial a supervisor for help. No answer.)

WOMAN #2: What is this?
ISAAC: One second, ma’am.
WOMAN #2: Are you able to sell us tickets, or what?

(ISAAC tries dialing another supervisor. No answer.)

WOMAN #2: Should I come back another time for tickets? Would that be best?
ISAAC: If you’d like to come back another time, you are more than welcome to.
WOMAN #2: It is not convenient for me to come back another time!
ISAAC: Then I’ll just need you to bear with me for a moment.
WOMAN #2: This is absurd. This is truly absurd.

(ISAAC tries dialing the first supervisor again. No answer.)

WOMAN #2: Are you calling for help?
ISAAC: Yes.
WOMAN #2: I just can’t believe this.

(She checks her watch.)

WOMAN #2: Forget this.

(She starts to walk off.)

ISAAC: Have a nice afternoon!
WOMAN #2: I will not after this!
ISAAC: All right!

(ISAAC hangs up the phone.)

ISAAC: (to WOMAN #1) I’m so sorry for this problem. Thank you for being patient.
WOMAN #1: Please, it’s all right. This isn’t your fault. I’m not in a hurry.
ISAAC: I really appreciate that.

FIN.

(ISAAC is sitting in the box office, watching clips of Gavin Creel singing on YouTube. A WOMAN approaches the window.)

ISAAC: Hello.
WOMAN: “Othello.”
ISAAC: Yes.
WOMAN: Do you — ayyyyyyyyyye — have anything — uhhhh ayyyyee …
ISAAC: Are you all right?
WOMAN: Yes, yes, I’m just so tired. Do you have anything for tonight?
ISAAC: No, we are sold out for the entire run.
WOMAN: Oh god! You want to make me cry, don’t you?
ISAAC: No, I don’t.
WOMAN: I’m going to cry!
ISAAC: OK.
WOMAN: What if I cry?
ISAAC: That won’t make tickets become available. I’m sorry.
WOMAN: (flipping through the performance calendar) What about for Friday night?
ISAAC: The whole run is sold out, ma’am.
WOMAN: Even Saturday?
ISAAC: Even Saturday.
WOMAN: What about two for Sunday?
ISAAC: The whole run is sold out.
WOMAN: Ayyyyyyye. I really wanted to see some Shakespeare. I’m a tourist; I’m only in town for the week.
ISAAC: I’m sorry.
WOMAN: What do you recommend I see instead, “Chicago” or “Mamma Mia”?
ISAAC: “Chicago.”
WOMAN: I was thinking “Mamma Mia.”
ISAAC: You want to go from “Othello” to “Mamma Mia”?
WOMAN: I’m going to walk all the way back up there and hopefully they won’t make me cry like you did.
ISAAC: Have a nice day.

FIN.

(ISAAC and TARA are sitting in the box office. An ELDERLY MAN approaches ISAAC’S window, then steps over to TARA’S.)

ELDERLY MAN: You’re prettier than he is.
TARA: Oh, my! Thank you, sir, that’s very nice of you to say.
ELDERLY MAN: I’m hoping you can help me. I’m looking for one ticket for this evening.
TARA: Well, I hope this doesn’t affect my being pretty in your eyes, but I don’t have any tickets left for this evening. We are all sold out.
ELDERLY MAN: Let me check with him.

(The ELDERLY MAN steps over to ISAAC’S window.)

ELDERLY MAN: Maybe you can help me.
ISAAC: I don’t know, sir; I wasn’t pretty enough to help you earlier.
ELDERLY MAN: Foiled by my own words.
ISAAC: We are indeed sold out for this evening, but we’ll open our standby waiting list in an hour. If you’d like, you can come back in an hour and sign up on that list.
ELDERLY MAN: Thank you; I appreciate your optimism that I’ll be alive in an hour. I’ll try to think more like you.

FIN.

(ISAAC, TALLULAH, and FAITH are handing out will call tickets before that evening’s performance. EMILE HIRSCH and female companion approaches the window.)

EMILE HIRSCH: Hey, um, we’re picking up.

(He hands ISAAC the credit card used. ISAAC can’t find any tickets under “Hirsch” and searches by credit card number, which brings up an order under a separate name.)

ISAAC: Might it be under [name redacted]?
EMILE HIRSCH: Yeah, that’s it.

(ISAAC notices the tickets are in a terrible, nearly partial-view location.)

ISAAC: (to TALLULAH) I’m upgrading him.
TALLULAH: What? Who is he?

(ISAAC exchanges the tickets into house seat locations and hands the new tickets to EMILE HIRSCH, who looks at the tickets, notices the new locations.)

EMILE HIRSCH: Oh. Thank you.
ISAAC: I moved you a little more center.
EMILE HIRSCH: Thanks, man.
ISAAC: You’re welcome.

(They walk into the theater.)

TALLULAH: Um. Who was that?
ISAAC: You didn’t recognize him? That’s Emile Hirsch. He’s like a fucking famous movie star great actor person.
TALLULAH: No, I did not recognize him. And you just upgraded him without even checking with me?
ISAAC: We couldn’t have him sitting in the crappies!
TALLULAH: Well, I’m so glad you used our emergency seats for your crush.
ISAAC: It was a gaymergency. He was in “Milk.”

FIN.

(ISAAC is sitting in the box office. A WOMAN with a very thick Jersey accent approaches the window, her date book out.)

WOMAN: Give me your two best –
ISAAC: I’m sorry, ma’am, just one second.
WOMAN: Mmhmm.

(ISAAC finishes printing out a house seat order.)

ISAAC: OK, how can I help you?
WOMAN: Give me your two best seats for the matinee on the 22nd.
ISAAC: All right, let me see what I have. I can get you two in the front row center: Row A, seats 105 and 106.
WOMAN: Uck, too close. Further back?
ISAAC: I don’t have anything further back in the center.
WOMAN: Nothing?
ISAAC: Everything else in the center is sold. I can get you two in Row C on the thrust side, seats –
WOMAN: Uck, the worst seats in the house.
ISAAC: Actually, I don’t think those are bad at all –
WOMAN: Give me the two in A.
ISAAC: All right. Those are $75 each, so it’ll be $150 total.
WOMAN: Do you have any discount codes?
ISAAC: Do you have a discount code?
WOMAN: No. Do you?
ISAAC: I don’t provide you with a discount code, ma’am.  You’re supposed to provide me with one.
WOMAN: But don’t you put out the discount codes?
ISAAC: When discount codes are being offered, yes.
WOMAN: So you can’t just give me one?
ISAAC: No. Discount codes have to be provided by the patron at the point of sale.
WOMAN: So there is a discount code.
ISAAC: I didn’t say there was a discount code.
WOMAN: Are there discount codes for this show?
ISAAC: I can’t answer that question, ma’am.
WOMAN: Oh, give me a break. Why can’t you answer it?
ISAAC: Because I don’t have to. Either you have a discount code or you don’t.
WOMAN: Have people brought discount codes in to you today?
ISAAC: I will not answer that question.
WOMAN: Unbelievable. What did I do to you?
ISAAC: I can sell you two tickets at $75 each. If you do not want them, you do not have to buy them. It is entirely your choice.
WOMAN: Fine.

(She tosses her American Express into the window tray.)

ISAAC: OK. That’s two tickets on the 22nd, Row A, seats 105 and 106, for a total of $150. This is a final sale; there are no refunds or exchanges.
WOMAN: Fine.

(ISAAC swipes her card and processes the sale.)

WOMAN: You know, the last time I asked for a code at the box office the lady just gave me a discount.

(Beat.)

WOMAN: She just gave me a discount, no trouble at all.

(Beat.)

ISAAC: If I could just get your signature on the line there by the “X,” that’d be great.

(The WOMAN and ISAAC stare at each other.)

WOMAN: That was at the Mint Theater.

(Beat.)

WOMAN: A serious theater, the Mint.

(Beat.)

ISAAC: On the line by the “X,” please.

(She signs.)

FIN.

(ISAAC, TARA, and TALLULAH are working in the box office right before showtime. F. MURRAY ABR*HAM approaches ISAAC’S window.)

ISAAC: Hello, Murray!
F. MURRAY ABR*HAM: Hello, hello. Don’t they ever let you out of here?
ISAAC: Oh, every once in a while, yes. I hear you need one more ticket for this evening.
F. MURRAY ABR*HAM: Yes, we do. Do you have one?
ISAAC: Yes, one just became available.
F. MURRAY ABR*HAM: Perfect. Let me pay for it. How much is it?
ISAAC: $35.
F. MURRAY ABR*HAM: Wonderful. What do you want for Christmas? Don’t say a blowjob, because there’s not a chance.
ISAAC: Ha! No, no.

(ISAAC sells him the third ticket.)

FIN.

(ISAAC and TARA are sitting in the box office. AN OLD MAN approaches TARA’S window.)

OLD MAN: Miss, do you have a single ticket available?
TARA: No, sir, we are sold out for all performances.
OLD MAN: You’re lying. I know there’s one there.
TARA: No, I’m not lying, sir. There’s nothing available.
OLD MAN: (leaning in to the window) That’s very naughty.
TARA: Well, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard it described that way before, but, yes, we are sold out.

(The OLD MAN stands at TARA’S window for a moment while a YOUNG WOMAN approaches ISAAC’S window.)

YOUNG WOMAN: Any standing room or student rush tickets for the matinee?
ISAAC: No, sorry, we’re completely sold out. You’re welcome to join the cancellation line at the end of the hall, but I don’t know what the likelihood is of tickets being turned back.
YOUNG WOMAN: Oh, OK.

(The YOUNG WOMAN walks away.)

OLD MAN: There’s something disappointing about the two of you.
TARA: What?
OLD MAN: You two are kind of a downer. You’re just making everybody sad.
TARA: Well, we want to help people, but we just can’t right now.
OLD MAN: I’m joking.
TARA: OK.
OLD MAN: Are you a New Yorker?
TARA: Yes.

(The OLD MAN walks off.)

FIN.

(ISAAC is sitting in the box office. A MAN approaches the window.)

MAN: Do you have tickets to “Obama”?

(Beat.)

ISAAC: Do you mean “Othello”?
MAN: Oh. Yeah, “Othello.”
ISAAC: Unfortunately I can’t offer you tickets to either. We’re sold out.
MAN: Damn.
ISAAC: Sorry.

FIN.

(ISAAC and TARA are handing out will call tickets. A YOUNG MAN approaches the window.)

YOUNG MAN: Hi, I should have a ticket under [last name withheld.]
ISAAC: OK, since you bought a youth ticket I just need to see an I.D. with your birth date on it to prove you’re 25 or under.
YOUNG MAN: Oh, sure.

(YOUNG MAN hands ISAAC a license.)

YOUNG MAN: Just ignore that whole “Adolf Hitler” thing; that was a bad idea for a nickname.

(Beat.)

ISAAC: What?
YOUNG MAN: Nothing. I’m just kidding.
ISAAC: OK. Here you go; you’re all set.
YOUNG MAN: Thanks. Have a good one.

FIN.

(ISAAC is sitting in the box office, handing out will call tickets right before a performance. A WOMAN timidly approches his window.)

WOMAN: Hi, I’m really sorry to do this, but. The man in front of me … he’s — he has very bad gas.
ISAAC: Oh, I’m sorry.
WOMAN: I feel terrible, but he just won’t stop passing gas, and the odor …
ISAAC: Say no more.
WOMAN: Is there any chance I can sit somewhere else?
ISAAC: Yes, let me see what I have.

FIN.

(ISAAC and COLE are working in the box office, handing out will call tickets before a curtain. A WOMAN and A MAN approach ISAAC’S window.)

WOMAN: Hi, I’m picking up tickets.

(She hands ISAAC her confirmation, and he hands her the tickets. They don’t move.)

MAN: Hey, you should let me take you out for a proper lunch.
WOMAN: Oh! OK.
MAN: Yeah. Let me get your number.
WOMAN: OK, I’ll give it to you.
MAN: Yeah, and then I’ll, like, call you or something in the week and we’ll go get a lunch or something.
WOMAN: OK, that sounds great!

(A MAN IN A SUIT, who’s been standing in line behind them, pushes past and slides his credit card under ISAAC’S window.)

MAN: (to MAN IN A SUIT) God, you could have said excuse me or pardon me or something like that.
MAN IN A SUIT: Oh, don’t even. You’re standing there not moving and I’m trying to pick up my tickets.
MAN: I’m just saying, you don’t have to be all rude about it.
MAN IN A SUIT: You’re just trying to start something with me because I’m wearing a suit. You little jerk. You’re just trying to start a scene because I’m older and I’m wearing a suit. Jesus. I didn’t say anything to you with any sarcasm at all.

(WOMAN and MAN walk off.)

MAN IN A SUIT: What a little jerk.
ISAAC: Enjoy the show.

FIN.