The Paperboy

by Isaac Oliver

ZAC EFRON: “It stinks in here.”
MACY GRAY: “That’s ’cause that blonde lady peed all on your face.”
ACTUAL DIALOGUE: You read me right.
NICOLE KIDMAN: (writhing) I’m hawny I’m hawny him in dat jayul and me awoot heyah –
THE DIALECT COACH: What? I don’t know. Something.
THE PAPERBOY: I’m wretched and lazy!
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY: (bloody ass in the air) Hey, it worked for Mo’Nique.
NICOLE KIDMAN: Wheyen I be his wahf he go’on be mah huzzbend –
JOHN CUSACK: (foaming at the mouth) BLAASEEGHHHHH.
NICOLE KIDMAN: Y’all y’all puddin’ pie sassafrass magnohlya mmhmm hawny hawny — (tears at her panties, pees)
ZAC EFRON’S NIPPLES: (perky in the heat) We’re investigating a murder.
THE NINE OF US IN THE AUDIENCE: There was a murder?
THE PLOT: What? I don’t know. Something. It’s fucking hot, leave me alone, Homeland’s on.
THE PAPERBOY:I’m sexy like a dishrag! I’m lurid like day-old cum!

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