(ISAAC is in bed, trying to sleep.)
“INCEPTION”: BUM BUM.
(ISAAC rolls over.)
“INCEPTION”: BUM BUM.
ISAAC: Christ.
“INCEPTION”: BUM BUM.
(ISAAC puts a pillow over his head.)
“INCEPTION”: (leaning in close) BUM BUM.
ISAAC: (throwing off the pillow) Will you please cut it out? I’m trying to sleep.
“INCEPTION”: You finally saw me. And you’re having trouble sleeping.
ISAAC: It’s the heat.
“INCEPTION”: It’s my intricacies.
ISAAC: Your what?
“INCEPTION”: My twists and turns.
ISAAC: It’s your horns.
“INCEPTION”: BUM BUM.
ISAAC: Enough already, get out of my head!
“INCEPTION”: (sitting on the edge of the bed) Lots of people have been thinking about me for days. It’s okay, let it happen.
ISAAC: No, I’m good. Just want to go to sleep here.
“INCEPTION”: I’m a modern classic. I’m here to save summer. I’m here to blow your mind.
ISAAC: (sitting up) Hold on a second. You’re a decent movie, you’re entertaining, and you certainly have a lot of great visual and technical things going on. The Joseph Gordon-Levitt spinning hallway fight? Incredible. But you are not a modern classic.
“INCEPTION”: Oh, but I am. Have you been on Facebook lately?
ISAAC: Your script is infuriating. Leonardo DiCaprio’s like, “This is how this all works,” and Ellen Page is like, “Wait, so that must mean this also happens,” and Michael Caine’s like, “Beware, keep in mind that it also works this way,” and Leonardo DiCaprio’s like, “Great, to reiterate, remember when I said this? Just want to circle back and underline that again to make sure you understand the mechanisms,” and Ellen Page is like, “Ah, yes, I think I’ve got it, but I want to say it all again and you tell me if I’ve got it,” and I’m sorry, that is not storytelling. That is reading us the assembly instructions to Mouse Trap for two and a half hours.
“INCEPTION”: How do you know you aren’t dreaming right now?
ISAAC: What, you’re performing inception to plant the idea in my head that you’re a modern classic?
“INCEPTION”: Perhaps.
(The scene changes. Suddenly ISAAC and “INCEPTION” are sitting in an empty movie theater.)
“INCEPTION”: I had my architect build –
ISAAC: Ellen Page?
“INCEPTION”: Yes. I had her bui –
ISAAC: Is she gay?
“INCEPTION”: I didn’t ask.
ISAAC: I hope she is.
“INCEPTION”: She built us a movie theater in which we will watch all of the other summer movies, so you can see that by comparison –
ISAAC: Well, that is not fair. If all you ask is that we compare you to, what, “The Last Airbender” and “Knight & Day,” then of course we will think you’re a modern classic.
“INCEPTION”: BUM BUM.
(The movie theater doors swing open.)
“INCEPTION”: The projections of your subconscious are here. They must want to protect you.
ISAAC: Not protect me, per se.
(“INCEPTION” looks up. Thirty JAKE GYLLENHAALS enter the movie theater and sit in the surrounding rows.)
“INCEPTION”: What the fuck? They’re all Jake Gyllenhaal.
ISAAC: Yes, this is true.
JAKE #1: Have another popsicle!
JAKE #23: I want to get my hand stuck in your thick, coarse hair!
JAKE #16: Your eczema is adorable!
(The JAKE GYLLENHAALS begin undressing.)
“INCEPTION”: What’s going on?
ISAAC: It’s a thing we do.
JAKE #11: I have the most chest hair!
JAKE #9: Nuh uh! I have more!
JAKE #21: Feel mine!
ISAAC: Gentlemen! I will get to all of you, I promise.
(JAKE #29 rolls out a tarp.)
“INCEPTION”: They’re all going to have sex with you?
ISAAC: Yes. (checking his watch, to the Jakes) Ten minutes each, fellas — I was up late playing Mario Kart, so the circadians are not on our side tonight!
JAKE #14: All right, but is someone going to be actually watching the clock tonight? Because last night not everyone got an equal amount of time. And if one of us isn’t happy, the group isn’t happy.
ISAAC: (to “INCEPTION”) I never should’ve let them unionize.
“INCEPTION”: My kick should be happening any minute now and I’ll be gone.
ISAAC: Not so fast, modern classic. You lured me into a dream, and this is what happens in my dreams. Sorry.
(ISAAC slips off his pants and underwear, straddles “INCEPTION.”)
“INCEPTION”: Whoa!
ISAAC: BUM BUM.
Thank you for your apt representation of Inception’s script. I no longer feel alone in my judgemental judgements.
The next time you have the urge to go on Manhunt just gulp some cough medecine and knock yourself out. Your dream will clearly be better than the actual experience you would have had.
I agree with IPJ. Jerk from Manhunt or 30 Jake Gyllenhaals? Which would you prefer? The latter, I hope.
Firstly, I am disappointed — in you.
All those fine men, and you actually paid attention to the plot?! Cilian Murphy, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, that other damn hot guy (no not Leo).
Tsk…tsk..tsk…
Hot men aside, I actually LOVED the movie. Does anyone else think the French chick should be in a horror film? She scared the crap out of me.
You, sir, are a brilliant writer.
I want to post this entry, EVERYWHERE.
Incredible.