He Who Laughs, Or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy

THE AIR: I am crisp!

THE SKY: I am clear!

THE STREETS: We are quiet!

THE PEOPLE ON THE SIDEWALK: We’re bringing coffee cups to our smiling lips!

NEW YORK: It just feels like one of those great Me Days, you know?

MEL TORMÉ ON MY IPOD: I hear the breezes playing in the trees above, while all the world is saying you were meant for love, isn’t it romantic?

ME: I am meant for love, Mel Tormé, and yes, this is all very roman —

CHRISTOPHER STREET: Fancy a big black dildo?

ME: Er, no thank you.

CHRISTOPHER STREET: New year, new harness?

THE LUCILLE LORTEL THEATER: (sighing) Neighbors.  Keep it down!

CHRISTOPHER STREET: Um, you keep it down.  You’re the one with the gay play on.

VOLUNTEER USHER WEARING A BACKPACK: You’re in Row H, right here.

ME: I think this is Row J.

VOLUNTEER USHER WEARING A BACKPACK: You’re right, it is.

EVERYONE IN ROW J: What?  This isn’t Row H?  Goddammit.

THE GIRL BEHIND ME: (to her friend) Did you know that, like, Ethan Hawke is the reason that, like, Lisa Loeb is famous? (flipping through her Playbill) Oh, I don’t think this is a musical.

“THE PRIDE”: I’m starting — and, no, I am definitely not a musical.

THE GIRL NEXT TO ME: Well, the first scene seems as good a time as any to finally take off my scarf, coat, and wool cardigan!

BEN WHISHAW: I am a fantastic, sexy, rail-thin British actor.  You shall know my name henceforth.

NAZI FETISHISM SCENE: Charmed, I’m sure!

ANAL RAPE SCENE: Room for one more?

BEN WHISHAW’S BULGE: Stop looking at me!  Just because I’m massive doesn’t mean I’m not shy.

GAYS WITH DISCOUNT CODES: We can’t help it!

ELDERLY MCC SUBSCRIBERS: Is that the young gentleman’s crotch or is it a new set piece?  We can’t tell; our eyes are raisins!

ME: Boy, am I glad I’m not one of those desperate gays with a discount code.  I am a serious theatergo — holy hell, half of him must be dick weight.  I am leaning forward because I am … so engrossed.  In the themes of the.  Playbulge.

GAYS WITH DISCOUNT CODES: Mmhmm.  How much did you pay for your ticket?

ME: Full-price?

GAYS WITH DISCOUNT CODES: Let us see your ticket stub.

ME: All right, fine!  I had a discount code, too!