PAPARAZZI OUTSIDE: Are you Ryan Reynolds? Are you Naomi Watts?
ME: No.
PAPARAZZI OUTSIDE: Fuck you then.
ME: All right then, I’ll just, uh, take my ticket and proceed to the …
THE BALCONY: That’s right, bitch. Get up here.
THE STAIRS: You’re poor, you’re poor, you’re poor.
ME: (gasping for breath) More?
THE BALCONY: Ascend, peasant!
THE USHER: (to a woman) Ma’am! Ma’am! I said the second row down. You’re going too far.
THE WOMAN: (to anyone who will listen) Boy, they see a senior and think we can’t follow directions!
THE FACT OF THE MATTER: You can’t, ma’am.
EVERYONE IN THE BALCONY: (leaning forward) Are Ryan Reynolds and Naomi Watts down there?
EVERYONE IN THE ORCHESTRA: Not yet.
EVERYONE IN THE BALCONY: Fuck you then.
THE WOMAN AT THE END OF MY ROW: (to each and every person who climbed over her to get to their seats) I can’t believe an opening night performance was on TDF! I couldn’t believe my eyes! Could you? Did you get your ticket on TDF, too? You didn’t? How much did you pay? Oh my god, that much? I only paid $34, and here we are sitting right next to each other. $34, that’s all. And that’s with the service fee! It’s not worth it to pay more.
EVERYONE IN MY ROW: It might be worth it to kill you.
THE PLAY: Shut up, all of you. I’m starting.
THE MAN NEXT TO ME: Mmm, yummy yummy, I love biting and chewing on my nails with my mouth open. What a treat!
LIEV SCHREIBER’S VOICE: I am gorgeous and sonorous and a theatrical treasure. I am the butter that melts, golden, on the waffle brought to you in bed by a bearded Jon Hamm on a wintry morning. I can even leap to the balcony without aid.
EVERYONE IN THE BALCONY: Thank you!
THE WOMAN AT THE END OF MY ROW: I paid less for you!
LIEV SCHREIBER’S VOICE: Someone give her a little push. No? I gotta do everything around here?
THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE: (trembling with ecstasy) Don’t. Stop. Making words and sounds. With your mouth.
THE MAN NEXT TO ME: You all can keep your popcorn and pretzels and Sour Patch Kids. Give me fingernails! Ten fingers, ten nails, ten fantastic snacks. Chew, chew, chew. And I haven’t even gotten to the cuticles yet — that’s dessert.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Isaac, I know you haven’t always been the biggest fan of mine, but you have to admit: I’m holding my own up here.
ME: OK, fine.
THE WOMAN BEHIND ME: (an hour into the show, to her mate) Is that Scarlett Johansson?
ME: (slaps his hand on his forehead)
6 responses so far ↓
BB // January 25, 2010 at 1:25 pm |
This is one of the best things I’ve ever read. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Maia // January 25, 2010 at 5:38 pm |
That sounds painful…
Joel Arken // January 25, 2010 at 8:40 pm |
This is almost a review. You could almost get paid to review.
lessthan // January 25, 2010 at 10:17 pm |
That was pretty awesome. I hope you still had fun.
David // January 26, 2010 at 6:01 pm |
I hope there is more of this kind of thing at your show. Good stuff.
marianna // February 1, 2010 at 1:21 am |
I stole your play idea for my blog today. I promise not to do it too often, and to credit your genius.